As with each new phase of the college application process throughout the senior year, the months of March and April present a unique set of challenges for students and parents alike. As students -- by and large -- wait for, receive, and then reconcile various college application results -- the good and the not so good -- parents are awash with emotions. Ultimately, we preach continuing to be a great role model for your child, but, as the parameters and variables have changed, here are four recommendations to steer the ship!
Take care of yourself. Take care of your emotions and your feelings appropriately. Read this article. Your child’s admissions outcomes are not a reflection of you or your parenting. And, to put a finer point on it, admission into a highly selective or highly ranked college or university does not reflect on you positively or negatively or promise a brighter, happier, more successful future for your child. Remember that college -- as with most things in life -- is what you make of it. Have your thinking straight on this front.
Honor your child. Remember that he or she is a lot more resilient than you might give credit for. They can handle this. It is not always easy, but let them learn from the experiences. Don’t steal from them this invaluable learning opportunity, and keep in mind, whether things are going well or not, that allowing your child to learn these lessons now will set them up for success in handling other challenges later in life.
Act like you’ve been here before. This is advice for acting with grace and class through this process. This may be your first time through this, but what your child needs is a role model showing how to behave. They do not need examples of people letting their emotions get the best of them. There is no merit or value in trumpeting or bragging about your child’s college outcomes just as there is no benefit to jumping into the pit of despair with them when confronting denied applications. Yes, celebrate within reason, and, yes, be a shoulder to cry on, but avoid the extreme highs and lows and move on. Show your child through your conduct that, regardless of outcome, this is just one more step in life and not the singular, defining moment or their existence.
Demonstrate radical acceptance. One of the most challenging scenarios that we encounter is when students and parents focus too much on denied and waitlisted applications and not enough on the acceptances. As our colleague puts it aptly, “Colleges make decisions, not mistakes.” There is likely nothing that anyone will be able to share about a “miss” that will be helpful or productive. Dwelling on what did not go well also has an enormously negative impact on your child. Instead, direct your attention on the positive acceptances, always with an eye on moving forward. Demonstrating “radical acceptance” to your child shows them love, honors their process, de-emphasizes the sense that this is the most important moment of their life, and facilitates their moving forward positively.
Realize that this guidance is not intended solely for parents of students who are facing rejection. It is aimed at all parents, regardless of their children’s college application results. Also, being a role model by embracing these four steps not only will allow your child to grow and develop, but it also contributes to combating many of the social ills that surround the college admissions process. Be a part of the solution!